Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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