This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just high enough for therapy.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
