I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
