I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
