What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
he shaved USA in his pubs
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
50% drunk capacity currently
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize