walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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