You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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