please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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