Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The power of my boobs compel you
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
