If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
