We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
