just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
