My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
