Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
