i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
