Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
