Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize