Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
How naked do you want me to be?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
