My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
