I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
