Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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