Barsexuality is the new black.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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