2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
