Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
