Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
