No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
