Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
