Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I could make wine with my vomit
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize