Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
