So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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