After last night, I could never be a politician.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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