My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
