no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
