I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
