Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
