I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I think my fart just growled at me.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
