I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize