it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
