Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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