Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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