In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
