He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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