A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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