so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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