I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
