do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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