I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The best revenge is premature balding
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
