If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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