im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
