Please, let me fuck your mom
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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