'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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