The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
