I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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