Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
