So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
